Better Than Me
by futurecullen05
Summary: I started this story as just a one shot fanfic but now decided to extend it into a full story. I dont want to give away much of the plot but like most twilight stories many things will challenge Bella and Edward's relationship. Read and Review!
1. Edward's Misery

This is a songfic I wrote after hearing the song, "Better than Me" by Hinder. I heard this song while I was reading part of New Moon and I realized that it fit perfect into the book. I wrote this in Edward's point of view of leaving Bella, his thoughts while listening to this song. His thoughts are encased in '' and I plan on writing a songfic with Bella's point of view, I have a few songs in mind for her. I hope you like it. Oh! And obviously I don't own eclipse, new moon, or any other ideas the amazingly brilliant Stephenie Meyer came up with and I don't own these songs either. Otherwise why would I be here? haha Enjoy! Oh and I put my own little twist on the end, it isn't the same as the books, I decided to have a different twist of the story.

Sitting in my room in Alaska, I began to doubt my decision to leave Bella. I had been away from her for two months and of all the years I've lived, they have been the worst two months I have ever had to endure. I don't leave my room much and when I do I can tell my family is just as miserable as I am.

I am lost in thought on my couch when the song begins to play and immediately it reminds me of my Bella, as most songs do nowadays. This has been the first time I've listened to music since I left her and now I have to hear this song. My mind wanders to thoughts of us as I listen to the song.

**I think you can do much better than me**

**After all the lies that I made you believe**

**Guilt kicks in then I start to see**

**The edge of the bed where your nightgown used to be**

**(Oh)**

'I am not good for you at all, I was never worthy of your love yet I can't get you out of my mind. You deserve someone who can give you everything not take you away from all that you love. I made you believe I was worth loving, I kept you from your human life, the light and kept you in the dark. I knew when I left I was going to shatter your heart but I wanted to do the right thing for one, not the selfish thing. Although I made you believe I didn't love you, it was all a lie. I love you more than life itself Bella, or whatever I have right now. I am having second thoughts, oh god Bella nothing here reminds me of you, I miss your scent, seeing your random clothes left at my house, I want you back but I have to be strong for you.'

**I told myself I won't miss you**

**But I remember **

**(Oh)**

**What it feels like beside you**

'I promised myself I would move on and not think of you so as to darken your soul even more but I can't get you out of my head. Your scent, your smile, your beautiful blush, it all remains in my head because I remember what it was like to have you in my life. The nights I spent sleeping over, just holding you while I was sleeping, I remember everything of having you near me, beside me on my couch. I can't even sit on my couch anymore without you there beside me.'

**I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes**

**And I think you should know this**

**You deserve much better than me**

'I miss having your scent surround me, the feel of your hair against me cheek always warming me. I miss hearing your heart beat when we would kiss and what you tasted like. I miss seeing your eyes light up when you saw me but I know in my undead heart that you deserve so much more, you shouldn't feel that way towards me. The light you have shouldn't be wasted on me, a damned soul.'

**While looking through your old box of notes**

**I found those pictures I took that you were looking for**

**If there's one memory I don't wanna lose **

**That time at the mall**

**You and me in the dressing room**

**(Oh)**

'The things I took from you when I left remind me everyday of what I walked away from. Those pictures you took on your birthday are my only reminder of a time when I was purely happy, blissful in my life. I look at them everyday and know I should have left them with you but it is so much easier to have me completely gone. My memories will be the only thing that keeps our love strong, over time it will fade from your mind but I will remember for the both of us, whether I want to or not.'

**I told myself I won't miss you**

**But I remember **

**(Oh)**

**What it feels like beside you**

'I just want to run back to you and tell you how sorry I am for leaving you but I promised that I would let you live. If I came back now would you even take me back? It wouldn't matter as long as I got to be beside you one last time, I miss your presence lighting up my life, god Bella I just want to run back to you right now.' I found myself flying off my couch to the door before I stopped myself and sat back down. I had to tell myself it was just this song getting to me.

**I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes**

**And I think you should know this**

**You deserve much better than me**

'I miss being able to touch you and hold you. I can not even think of anyone else touching you or kissing you; tasting your amazing taste and smelling your beautiful smell. Bella I want to come back but you don't deserve me to ruin your life, for the both of us I need to be strong.'

**The bed I'm laying in is getting colder**

**Wish you never would have said it's over **

**And I can't pretend I won't think about you when I'm older**

**'Cause we never really had our closure.**

**This can't be the end**

'My couch has lost all it's warmth without you there to share it with me, I wish I would never had done this. I want you back with every fiber of my being but will you want me back? How do I take back what I said? I will always have the memories of our time together regardless of when yours fades. I can't live a life haunted by your call to me, I need to have you back. We didn't have closure like most do, I just cut you out of my life. I can't let it end this way, I need you back so much. Oh God Bella what have I done? how did I ever walk away from you? I need you back.'

**I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes**

**And I think you should know this**

**You deserve much better than me**

**I really miss your hair in my face and the way your innocence tastes**

**And I think you should know this**

**You deserve much better than me**

'Bella I can't get you out of my head, I miss the feel of your warm hands on my skin, I miss the feel of your breathe on my neck while you're sleeping. I miss everything about you but you can't want me you're an angel and I'm nothing. I don't think I can last much longer, I need your touch to survive. I need to hear you laugh again, I need to see the blush light up your face. I need you back.'

**(And I think you should know this)**

**You deserve much better than me**

**(And I think you should know this)**

**You deserve much better than me**

**(And I think you should know this)**

**You deserve much better than me**

**(And I think you should know this)**

'You are so much better than me and deserve so much more but maybe I can make myself better with you in my life. Maybe without you I'm not worthy of your love or the memories of you but with you to add sunshine to my life, drenched in twilight, I can survive and be enough. I can't wait any longer to find out if life will be bearable without you, I need you back. I made a terrible decision, oh god Bella please take me back.'

I was enveloped in anguish when Jasper and Alice walked into my room. Jasper immediately tried to calm me down but I stopped him with a look. "Please Jasper don't, I need to feel this, this is how Bella feels right now I'm guessing. I need to get her back." Alice just smiled, having seen this coming the whole time. Stupid clairvoyant sister always knowing something was happening before it did. I got up grabbed my jacket that still smelled of Bella and ran to my car. Within hours I was pulling into Forks and Bella's street. I sprinted to her house, up the tree and through her window. She immediately turned, feeling my presence and started crying. I ran to her, wrapped her up in my arms and held tight, I was never letting this girl go. She collapsed into my arms and after minutes together she looked up to me as if to question if I was really back, I just answered her with a kiss filled with so much passion her heart beat erratically before I stopped. She completely collapsed in my arms then and I carried her over to her rocking chair and we just sat there until morning. It was only then that I saw how terrible she looked, she was thin and had huge circles under eyes that were red from crying. I broke her heart and I would spend an eternity fixing it. I never planned on letting her out of my arms or life again.

So this was Edward's point of view of leaving Bella while listening to that song. I plan on doing Bella's version continuing slightly from the end of this story. I love music and I think it really can tell stories of our life, I just thought of Edward in anguish every time I heard this song, I hope you got that out of this too.


	2. Bella's Heartbreak

This is the next chapter in my story and is also a songfic but in Bella's point of view this time and the song is "The Distance" by Oliver James/Evan and Jaron (both artists were listed when I looked up the lyrics). I imagined this to be what Bella is thinking at the same time that Edward is listening to the song in Chapter 1. Again Bella's thoughts are in '' and the song is bolded. This song fit perfectly into what I thought would be going through her mind after he left. Enjoy and Review!

I was nothing anymore, just a hollow shell since he left me. I couldn't even think his name without breaking down but too many tears had been shed over him. I had to try to move on, it had been two months since he left me in the woods and I knew he wasn't coming back. Just as I was giving up hope, a song started playing on my radio. It was the first day I had turned it on since he left me, music was just too painful these days. I thought maybe I could try it again, listen to the music and not think of him. But the first song I got made all the memories come rushing back to me,

**The sky has lost its color**

**The sun has turned to gray**

**At least that's how it feels to me**

**Whenever you're away**

'My world has been completely altered since you left me. Although Forks was never a sunny place to begin with you took the life out of it and me when you left. I'm numb to everything here now, nothing brings joy into my life especially the places we shared together. I don't know where to turn or go without you, I'm lost Edward.'

**I crawl up in the corner**

**To watch the minutes pass**

**Each one brings me closer to**

**The time when you'll be back**

**you're coming back**

'When I'm not pretending to be alive and caring for Charlie I am nothing. I sit in my room and stare wondering how long it's been since you left. The minutes pass me by but all I can do is watch. I don't know what to do without you here beside me, but all I can do is pray you will come back, please come back.'

**I can't take the distance**

**I can't take the miles**

**I can't take the time until I next see you smile**

'Although I don't know where you are, it's too far. Even when you were here, if you left me for an hour I would feel your absence, now with miles in between us I have lost the will to survive. I try to picture your smile, your eyes, feel your touch but it's all lost to me, you took it all away.'

**I can't take the distance**

**And I'm not ashamed**

**That I can't take a breath without saying your name**

'My lungs and heart, my whole body, has quit working, sometimes I feel like I can't even go another minute without you but I try, because I have hope you'll be back. Every breath I take now is only for you, only on the hope that one more breath could be the breath that you walk through my door. If I stop breathing I lose that hope, so I continue on as hard as it is.

**And I can brave a hurricane **

**and still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down**

**But I can't take the distance**

'I can handle the scrutiny from the people at school and Charlie just fine of what I have become, what you made me. That does not affect my broken soul one bit but the fact that you're miles away breaks me down every time. You were so worried that you would take my soul if you ever changed me, well you've taken it now so it's all the same. To not feel your presence is all it takes to break my heart into a thousand pieces, which it has been since you left, and breaks again every morning I wake up without you.'

**I still believe in feelings**

**But sometimes I feel too much**

**I make believe you're close to me**

**But it ain't close enough**

**Not nearly close enough**

'I know that if you came back I could love you again, forgive you for the pain of these past month but those feelings are locked away for right now. I keep myself numb to protect myself from the heart shattering, crumple me to the ground, agony I would feel if I thought about our times together and the love I had for you. When I sleep I pretend you are there with me, your arms around me protecting me. I wrap myself up in a shirt you forgot in my room, inhaling your beautiful scent but it isn't enough. It will never be enough until it's you and only you.' I was lying on my floor at this point sobbing so hard my body was shaking. Charlie didn't even come up to check on me anymore, this was a daily occurrence yet this time was so much worse. I had allowed myself to feel, to hope again, all because of a song and it's well written words.

**I can't take the distance**

**I can't take the miles**

**I can't take the time until I next see you smile**

'I knew that if you gave me the chance to be enough for you, you could try to love me. The way you used to smile when you saw me, I know there is something there. My heart would swell at the thought that you picked me, but now I am unsure. I wish you would come back, these miles separating us only makes the hole in my chest worse.'

**I can't take the distance**

**And I'm not ashamed**

**That I can't take a breath without saying your name**

'Are you feeling the same pain? Does this hurt you as much as me, or was it easy to walk away? Can you make it through the day without thinking of my name? I wish I knew if you did this because you didn't love me or were protecting me.'

**And I can brave a hurricane**

**And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down**

'I could be strong for you, I could brave all the accidents in my life if only you were by my side. I try extra hard to be careful because I know your arms won't be waiting anymore. Oh how I miss those arms but I will be strong for you, I'll make it through.'

**I can't take the distance**

**I can't take the miles**

**I can't take the time until I next see you smile**

**I can't take the distance**

**And I'm not ashamed**

**That I can't take a breath without saying your name**

**And I can't take the distance**

**The distance**

'I can't take this anymore Edward please come back to me. I can't be away from you for a minute longer. I need you in my life to survive. Please God I know I'm not a religious person but if I can ask you of one thing in my life it would be to bring him back to me. I can't do this; I need you just to breathe. Please, Edward, please come back to me.'

I was sobbing uncontrollably now unable to breathe without him. I could feel my life ending at this point and to think about it I was fine with it. I couldn't survive anymore, waiting for him to come back. I could stop the pain right now. Right as I made my decision to end everything I heard a noise behind me. I couldn't let myself hope, I had to convince myself it was just the wind, because if I hoped and nothing was there then it would be the end. I slowly turned knowing that it was just my memories haunting me but as I turned around I caught sight of him. At first I thought I was hallucinating but then I knew. I knew he was back and all I could do was fall into his arms and sob uncontrollably. At that moment I forgave him for the past two months because I was back in his arms. Nothing mattered at that very point but the feel of his breath on my face. I looked up at him and he immediately kissed me and there was so much passion in it that I didn't know how I was still breathing. He pulled away as I completely collapsed now and he carried me over to my rocking chair. Right before I curled into him, fully one piece again, I looked up and saw how terrible he looked. He had dark circles under his eyes and they looked red from crying, or as close as he could come. In that minute I knew our faces mirrored each other and I had never been happier in my life.


	3. Whole Again

This is probably the last chapter in this story that will be based around a song. I am thinking about expanding this story further otherwise this will be the last chapter. This is the point of view of Edward and Bella the night he came back when they were sitting in the rocking chair together. Edwards point of view is underlined in the song following by his thoughts in '' and Bella's point of view is _italicized_ in the song followed by her thoughts in ''. I hope it's not too confusing and you like it. Review and let me know if you want me to continue this into a full story, I have some ideas for this already.

We both sat together through the night just enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms. One last song came on the radio before Edward had turned it off and it pulled at my heart, perfectly describing our situation and I could feel Edward slip into his thoughts as I did as well.

**This time, This place**

**Misused, Mistakes**

**Too long, Too late**

**Who was I to make you wait**

'I am so lucky you took me back Bella. I made so many mistakes in the course of these past two months and should never be forgiven. But you are an amazing girl that surprises me more and more each day. I had no right to make you wait for me and we were apart for far too long. Having you in my arms now, the smell of your skin, the feel of your hair I don't know how I survived this long without you.'

_**Just one chance**_

_**Just one breath**_

_**Just in case there's just one left**_

'Edward you coming back gave me the breath I needed. I knew that it would only take one thing in this world for me to keep going and it was you in my arms again. I can't believe I almost ended my life, almost missed my chance to be with you again. This is the breath, this is the chance, the last time we will have to be apart I know it.'

'**Cause you know, **

**you know, you know**

**That I love you**

**I have loved you all along**

**And I miss you**

**Been far away for far too long**

'I know that you feel I didn't love you and for that I will be forever broken hearted. To think that I don't love you is preposterous, the fact that you love me is amazing. I have loved you the first day I met you, behind the anger, and I will always love you. It has been far too long since I sat with you and I've missed you everyday.'

_**I keep dreaming you'll be with me **_

_**and you'll never go**_

_**Stop breathing if **_

_**I don't see you anymore**_

'I have always held the hope that you love me as much as I love you and I just hope I am enough to keep you here. Please don't ever leave me again because I know I can not survive another day without you I will not be able to live if you walk away every again.'

**On my knees, I'll ask**

**Last chance for one last dance**

'**Cause with you, I'd withstand**

**All of hell to hold your hand**

'I will beg your forgiveness for all of eternity if that's what it takes to make this up to you. Just give me one more chance to be in your life and I will never give that up again, give you up again. I would pass through all of hell if it means just to be with you here on earth. I know that we are of different worlds, light and dark, but I pray you can find a way to love me again and look past my darkness. You are my light Bella Swan, my path to redemption. Only through you will I ever get a soul if I am worthy of one.'

_**I'd give it all**_

_**I'd give for us**_

_**Give anything but I won't give up**_

'I would give my life, my family just to be with you for eternity. All of it is what I offer just for one chance to be with you forever. Anything you ask of me will not be denied except walking away from us again. I love you so much Edward and I could never be apart from you again.'

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

_**That I love you**_

_**I have loved you all along**_

_**And I miss you**_

_**Been far away for far too long**_

'I don't think I have ever loved someone as much as you Edward, not even my family and it scares me but I know it's because we're meant to be together. I missed you so much when you were gone, the miles between us were too much and I hope that is the longest we ever have to be apart because any longer, and I would have died.'

**I keep dreaming you'll be with me **

**and you'll never go**

**Stop breathing if **

**I don't see you anymore**

'I keep waiting for you to run away Bella but pray that you will be able to stay with me despite my blackened heart. A part of me does still wish you would leave for your safety but I never want you to go. I don't know how I made it this long but I know that I will stop existing if you are ever out of my life again.'

_**So far away, so far away**_

_**Been far away for far too long**_

_**So far away, so far away**_

_**Been far away for far too long**_

_**But you know, you know, you know **_

(Both Bella and Edward are thinking the same thing at this point so I just wrote on point of view in singular form, this is what's going through both of their heads at this part of the song.)

'I can never live without you again and I hope that you can take me back. I hope that you love me as much as I love you but if you don't I will fight for it. The distance that separated me from you was excruciating and it was too far, too long.'

_**I wanted**_

_**I wanted you to stay**_

'_**Cause I needed**_

_**I need to hear you say**_

_**That I love you**_

_**I have loved you all along**_

_**And I forgive you**_

_**And I forgive you**_

_**For being away for far too long**_

'I never wanted you to leave and I don't ever think you being with me endangers me. I need to hear you love me and will never leave again, because part of me is still broken. It will be fixed eventually but only with your love and promise of forever. I forgive you though, I forgive you for leaving. I know you thought it was what you needed to do and in a way it's good, because it showed us we need to be together to live. You were gone too long but I forgive you.' At this point I leaned up and kissed him, pouring all my emotions into the kiss and I could hear him sigh into the kiss feeling my forgiveness. I knew that Edward would shoulder this blame for a long time so I would have to show him that I forgave him completely.

**So keep breathing**

'**Cause I'm not leaving you anymore**

**Believe it, Hold on to me and **

**never let me go**

**Keep Breathing cause I'm not leaving you anymore**

**Believe it, Hold on to me and never let me go**

'I can see the pain I put you through in your eyes Bella, the way I broke you apart when I left but hold on baby. Hold on because you will never have to endure that again. I will never leave you again, I could not take it. So just hold tight and forgive me for these past two months. Please don't ever give up because I will always be here no matter what happens in the future. Just hold me, I've missed you so much, I never want you out of my arms.' It was me that initiated our next kiss and I poured my emotions in it just like Bella had a few minutes ago. I could tell she felt what I was thinking, that I was never leaving and I hoped she believed me. I was never walking away from her again.

_**Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go**_

_**Keep breathing, hold on to me and never let me go**_

'Keep breathing Edward, please don't ever walk away again. I never want to be out of your arms, don't let me go. I have to keep breathing as well so I can heal and be whole for you again. Don't ever let me go again, please.'

With that Bella fell asleep in Edward's arms while he contently watched her sleep. She began talking in her sleep and kept whispering, "Don't let me go, please just hold on." He held her even tighter in his arms showing her he was never leaving again. He would spend the rest of his life showing her this, proving to her he loved her and only her. The rest of the night he began planning how exactly he would do this. In the morning when Bella began to stir she looked up at me and we both studied each other's faces, seeing our own pain mirrored on the other's face.


	4. Steps to Recovery

**Bella's POV**

Waking up to Edward the next morning was beyond amazing. At some point during the night he must have carried me over to my bed because I woke up curled up in his arms, head tucked under his chin. When I began to stir he shifted slightly to see my face and I moaned and burrowed into him deeper. I could feel his laugh rumble through his chest and I just smiled, feeling completely alive again. I thought back to just yesterday when I was a hollow shell, in disbelief that I had ever felt that way. I didn't even want to think back to those two months when I had Edward in my arms again. I stretched, yawned, and opened my eyes to see the beautiful god who wanted me.

"Hey you, it's so good to see you, I was worried I dreamt it all. Last night was the first time I slept all the way through the night." I kissed Edward lightly on the lips and pulled away to see a goofy grin on his face. I loved having that effect on him and now it felt even better knowing that he really did love me back.

"It was good to have you in my arms again you have no idea. Believe me no dream could ever be as amazing as having you back in my life. Bella I know that we probably want to just move past the last two months but you have to believe me when I say I am sorry with every part of me. I don't know how I'll make it up to you or get you to fully trust me again but I will I promise." We continued to lie there until I heard footsteps up the stairs. I didn't even get a chance to glance at Edward before he was gone to hide in my closet.

There was a knock at the door and I jumped up to answer it knowing it was my dad checking to make sure I was still living, his new daily ritual in the morning. "Hi daddy, ready for work already? I thought you didn't have to work today." The excitement was hidden poorly in my voice; Edward always said I was a bad actress.

"The department called and said they needed me to come in. Is that ok? I don't want to leave you home alone if you're not ready. I mean we could spend the day together, maybe go down to the lake or something if you wanted." I could tell he was still nervous about me being home alone but I needed to get him out of here fast.

"No worries dad I will be fine, trust me. I think I am going to read a little bit maybe go down and visit Jake. Please don't worry about me." "Alright Bells well just give a call if you need anything and if I drive through this way at all I will stop in. Have a good day, love you." With that he left the house and I quickly closed the door, turned around, and immediately ran into that all inviting stone chest. Edward wrapped me up into his arms and kissed my forehead.

**Edward's POV**

Standing in Bella's closet made me feel like a child but I knew that if I had left it would have crushed her. I couldn't believe how happy I was just to be back in her company. She always brightened my day. Hearing her bad acting made me chuckle silently, remembering all to well some of her terrible lies. I suddenly heard Charlie's thoughts and my happiness came crashing down around me.

'_God I hope she is ok when I walk in that room, hearing her cry last night was unbearable. It was the worst night yet, her heart shattering wails, I don't know how to help her anymore. I was surprised to hear her silent last night, usually she screams in her sleep or cries all night. I hope maybe she is getting better. That boy better never set foot in this town again or I will kill him myself.'_I hear Charlie open the door and talk to Bella as I sunk to the floor from what Charlie was thinking. Bella had been worse than me, shattered to her very core. I don't know how she will ever forgive me and right now I don't think she should. As they were talking I could hear Charlie's thoughts again but I was getting annoyed at how long he was staying. I wanted Bella in my arms now and he was taking up precious time.

'_She looks happy maybe she finally realized she is better off without him. I hate leaving her home alone but the boss really needs me. Hopefully she is still breathing when I get back as terrible a thought as that is. That one night was the worse of my life finding her the way she was._' That was all he thought about it and I knew I would have to find out completely what happened to Bella when I left. Hopefully she would tell me or maybe when I got on Charlie's good side again, if ever. Finally he left the room and I stepped out of the closet and wrapped Bella up in my arms before she even had a chance to fully turn around. I was never letting go of her again no matter what happened.

**Bella's POV**

"Bella did you just want to hang around here or go visit my family. I know they are dying to see you but if you're not ready I am content with just hanging out here." We were sitting in my chair and I was ecstatic, he was really staying, he wasn't leaving me. I knew it was silly to think that if he had not wanted to spend the day with me it wouldn't have been the end of the world but I knew I was going to panic for a while when he was out of my sight. "I would love to go see your family; can I just have a human minute? I know I must look disgusting this morning, I would hate for them to see me like this." Edward pulled me into his arms and whispered into my ear, "You could never look disgusting, in fact I think you amazingly tempting this morning. I will be waiting here though for you take your time." He kissed me and then lay down on my bed perfectly still. I grabbed my shower stuff and headed to the bathroom feeling my chest slightly squeeze at not keeping him in my sight. I had to tell myself that he was not going to leave me again.

The warm water of the shower felt amazing against my skin, slightly chilled from sleeping next to Edward last night. He wanted to put my blanket around me but I was not having it. I had been apart from him too long to have a blanket separate me from his amazing skin. I was still drunk off his smell and couldn't stop smiling. My face was starting to hurt from not using these muscles in so long. I finally shut the shower off, dried off, and galloped back to my room. I tripped over the door and expected his cold steel arms to grab me so I didn't throw mine out. I realized a second too late that he wasn't there to catch me and I landed with an oompf on my elbows, that would be bruised tomorrow. I looked around my room and didn't see Edward anywhere and saw my window open. My heart immediately dropped to the pit of my stomach, he left me again. He came back to get what he needed, a night of companionship and then left again. He didn't love me and never did. I felt myself crying harder than I ever had before, to have him back and then leave again was worse if I had never seen him again. I was sobbing so hard that my whole body was shaking and I must have been crying so hard I didn't even hear anyone come into my room but immediately I was wrapped up in cold steel arms.

"Shhh Bella what's wrong, did something happen when I was gone? Bella, baby please stop crying I'm here what's wrong?" I froze, looked up at him and had no idea what to think. I was so confused and word out physically, emotionally, and mentally that I couldn't even think of where to begin. Looking at his face brought out anger in me that I had no idea where it came from, "What are you doing here? Came back for round two before you left town again? Haven't you done enough to me already?"

The look on his face confused me even more, he looked so sad and in pain. Despite my anger towards him I put my hand on his face tracing his jaw line and his eyes closed in pure ecstasy from my touch. I rationalized that I should let him explain although I figured this would be another goodbye. When his eyes opened they were so sad I didn't know what to think. "Is that what you thought? I left again? I guess I deserve it, I am so sorry Bella. I ran home to get my car and thought I would make it back here before you got out of the shower. I was bombarded with my family and left as soon as I could. The tears I just saw, that was because of me? I can't even bear the thought of the pain I put you through witnessing you on the floor just a minute ago. Is there anything I can do to reassure you I am never leaving again?" I had never heard him say so many words before and I could tell the agony I had put him through seeing me crying. I was still angry though and snapped back, "You could have left a note or something I mean you did just spend two months away from me saying you didn't love me."

I instantly regretted saying the words because of the pain I saw in his eyes. This wasn't his usual self inflicting pain when something bad happened to me, it was so much agony that I thought my heart was going to break again just seeing it. I wrapped him up in my arms and finally appreciated the pain he must have been in those two months as well. "Edward I am so sorry I didn't mean anything by it. I just didn't know what to think when you were gone. Please don't be sad." He exhaled and looked into my eyes; I couldn't read his facial expression this time. "Bella I don't know what I have ever done to deserve you but here you are comforting ME when I am the one who left and hurt YOU. You are the most amazing girl I have ever met and swear on life itself I will never leave you again."

**Edward's POV**

When I was climbing the tree to get back into Bella's window I heard her cry out in pain. I launched through her window to find her lying on the floor sobbing so hard that her whole body was shaking. I didn't know what happened but without hesitation I walked over and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her instantly freeze and she looked up at me with such anger in her eyes I didn't know how to respond. Comforting her, I tried to find out what had happened in the few minutes I had been gone from her room. The problem was so obvious yet I didn't even come close to the answer that she gave me.

"Shhh Bella what's wrong, did something happen when I was gone? Bella, baby please stop crying I'm here what's wrong?" I pulled her into my arms and rocked her back and forth hoping she would tell me what was wrong so I could help her. I became more confused when I saw the anger increase in her eyes and didn't know what happened. Then she began to scream at me about leaving her again and how I had just come back for round two. She was in so much pain and it finally dawned on me that she thought I had left again. My heart immediately broke thinking that my angel didn't trust me anymore but I knew it was well deserved. Then she surprised me even more by caressing my face with her hand. I felt my eyes flutter closed and my whole body rejoiced in her touch. It was complete heaven and I don't know how I survived so long without it. I opened my eyes and tried to explain myself.

While I was explaining myself it looked like she was forgiving me. She snapped at me for not leaving a note and I laughed internally thinking that we were fighting about me not leaving her a note when I was a bloodsucking monster that could take her very life but I didn't bring this up. But what hurt even worse was the sentence after that one. She was accusing me of not loving her and I started to feel her pain. I had had the pain of not being around Bella when I left but her pain was a whole different level. I had known that Bella loved me when I left and I knew I loved her the same way but she still doubted my love for her. I didn't know how I was going to get her to understand but I knew I had to. I saw in her face sadness at revealing the truth and knew my face mirrored hers. I didn't know how to fix this and that ate away at my very core. I promised her that I would fix the problems I caused by leaving and couldn't believe that she was comforting me and telling me not to be sad when I broke her heart. I loved this girl more and more everyday, which didn't scare me in the least.

**Bella's POV**

With that we sat in each other's arms for a while until we both settled down. I stood up blow dried my hair and started to get ready to go see his family. I threw on a pair of tan pants and Edward's favorite blue top before throwing my hair up into a ponytail. I chose some of my favorite flats knowing my tripping record and turned around to see him staring at me with lust in his eyes.

"You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen Bella, I love you with all I am. Please try to understand that." I walked over and planted a kiss on his lips expecting to pull away but instead he deepened the kiss further than we ever have before. His tongue asked for permission into my mouth and I granted it tasting Edward for the first time. When my arms flew around his neck and pulled him even closer he didn't even pull away. After a few minutes, I was completely out of breath, and cursing my lungs for needing air I pulled away. Edward looked like I must look after he kisses me, drunk off my scent and just pulled me into his arms. I was amazed at his control after being apart but I decided it was a conversation for another day. "Ready to go?" I asked him. I tousled his hair and strode out of my room. Before I even made it to the stairs I was swept off my feet and carried to the car I had looked for everyday of my life. Edward opened my door and placed me on the passenger seat and I felt myself become whole again. This was where I belonged. He was in his seat before I could turn my head and soon we were zooming to his house, ready to be reunited with his family.

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Ok I know this was a little slow but it will pick up I promise. I have a great idea for this story and I hope you all like it. Review please and let me know what you think. The next chapter will be more exciting I think…haha. Enjoy!


	5. Torn Apart

**Bella's POV**

As we pulled up to the house I began to get nervous at the thought of seeing Edward's family again. I didn't know if they had missed me but I knew that I had missed them. I had ventured out here one day thinking seeing Edward's house would help me get over him, but it only made things worse. If Charlie hadn't found me that day I wouldn't have been here to be reunited with Edward. I thank god everyday that I didn't follow through with my plan and I hope that Edward would never find out what I was gong to do that day. He no more than parked the car than my door flew open and I was pulled out by a lithe little vampire with jet black hair.

"BELLA!!!! Oh how I've missed you! I am so happy that Edward came back for you, I was miserable without you. Don't tell Rose but sometimes she just doesn't do it for me. I can't wait for you to be part of our family again; we can go shopping anytime you want." Alice was crushing me with her grip but I didn't care, they were back and had missed me. I groaned when she mentioned shopping but figured I could humor her mostly so I could spend time with her. As Alice was prattling on about how much she missed me and what happened when we were apart, Jasper languidly walked up behind us and put a hand on my shoulder

"Bella I just want to let you know that I was with him the whole time and I can feel the same pain buried deep down in you that he gave off everyday. If there is ever anything I can do for you just let me know. But you must stop worrying about if we missed you or not, I could hardly keep Alice's mind on anything else." "Thanks Jasper. Do I hear a hint of jealousy there?" I laughed and gave his arm a light squeeze, not wanting to break the physical barrier and make him uncomfortable. I no more than turned away from Jasper and Alice than was grabbed up into a hug bear hug from Emmett.

"Bella!! Oh I am so glad you are back, I missed you so much. You have no idea how terrible Edward was to live with; I kept telling him to come back to you. I guess he just needed to figure it out on his own. It'll be good to have you around again; I haven't found anyone quite as clumsy and amusing as you yet." He laughed and walked over to where his wife stood giving me her trademark glare. I didn't care one bit because I could see Edward and how happy he was that I was back in his life. That smile was all I needed to battle Rose's bad moods. I walked over to Edward and wrapped my arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around me and walked into the house beaming like a little child at Christmas. The minute I stepped into the house I was torn out of Edward's arms and into Esme's. She had tears hidden in her eyes and held me just as tight as Alice.

"Oh Bella it sure is good to see you again. I've missed having you around so much. My family felt incomplete without you and I definitely am happy to see Edward smiling again. I don't know how he survived so long without you but I am glad he finally came to his senses. Sorry for what he put you through but I'm sure he has already promised to make it up to you. You are welcome here anytime you want, I can practice my cooking skills again." She handed me over to her husband who hugged me with so much fatherly affection I felt tears running down my cheeks. I didn't know how I deserved these people but I was so relieved to see they missed me as much as I missed them.

"Bella I know you've heard it four times already but it is sure good to see you again. I am looking forward to having you around again and seeing Edward happy. I am sure he is dying without you right now so I'll let you go. If you ever need anything don't hesitate to come to me. We've missed you terribly Bella." With that he and Esme walked into the garage to start unpacking and I found myself making my way up to Edward's room. I could hear music coming out of his room already and knew he probably could smell me in there. I walked in and lay down on his couch as quietly as I could, thinking I was sneaking up on him. Much to my dismay he pounced on me as soon as I was sitting down and wrapped me up in his arms.

"Darn vampire boyfriend, I thought I could sneak in here. Sometime you should just humor me. So your family missed me huh?" I said with a laugh. "Yeah they yelled at me everyday and I knew I was hurting them all but I thought it was what was best, I was really wrong." He moved us so that we were lying down on his couch and we fell asleep in that position. Carlisle found us that way a couple of hours later and he had bad news. Edward of course already knew and had me up and downstairs before I could ask what was wrong. All he told me was that he would explain on the drive home. I began to panic but pushed the feeling aside; I had to learn to trust Edward or he would punish himself for the rest of his life.

"Bella, we are rushing home because Charlie found out today that we move back and he is coming home to make sure I haven't tried to talk to you. He called Carlisle and said that I had better not show up at the house. I know he is only trying to protect you and I have to try to get you back before he gets home. It could get pretty ugly and I'm sorry for anything that happens." He grabbed my hand and we nervously sped towards my house. I heard him swear under my breath and knew that we had not been fast enough and sure enough there sat Charlie's cruiser in the yard. Just as Edward was pulling up to the house, Charlie came barreling out. He reached the passenger side door, ripped it open, and pulled me out.

"Bella, get in the house right now. I will deal with you later. And YOU don't ever let me see you within 20 miles of this house again. I don't want you talking, visiting, or even thinking about my daughter. You leave and break her apart and then come back thinking it will be all ok? Well as her father and having to endure her falling to pieces I will not let it happen again. I swear to god if you ever come near her I will hurt you so bad. Go HOME!" He bellowed all of this at Edward who didn't even flinch. I stood behind my father in disbelief, although I understood where he was coming from it was my decision if I wanted to see Edward again. Panicking at the thought of being separated I started to argue but Edward stopped me with a hand.

"Sir I mean no disrespect but I have lived without your daughter for too long. I will stay away for a while but please understand that I love Bella more than life and you can't keep me away from her forever. What I did was inexcusable and you have no idea how terrible I feel, words can even express it, but if you could just hear the reason maybe you would understand. Please take Bella's feelings into consideration, if she tells me to leave I gladly will never show my face again around here." I stopped breathing for a minute thinking it was too easy for him to say that but the look Edward gave me reassured me he was saying this for Charlie's sake; he wouldn't leave even if I told him to go.

"You think you can march back here after leaving for two months and she will forgive you that easily. I don't care what made you leave or why you never called my daughter. Do NOT come around here ever again. With that he grabbed Bella, dragged her into the house, and locked the door.

**Edward's POV**

I could see the panic starting to inch onto Bella's face with my speech to Charlie about leaving again so I sent her a look to reassure her that I could never leave. Charlie didn't accept it though and after telling me to never come around again dragged Bella inside. I could see the panic grow across her face and I cursed Charlie for making me break my promise to Bella of never leaving her again. I ran vampire speed up to her room, wrote her a note saying I would be back later tonight, slipped it where I hope she would find it and ran home waiting for dark when I would see my angel again.

It was agony sitting around the house until dark to go see Bella. I hated Charlie for keeping us apart yet I knew that he had every right too. Thinking over these last two months this is how I expected Bella to react to me coming back but I'm glad she didn't. I could take this from Charlie but if Bella had ever looked at me with that much anger, I would have died inside. Finally it came time to when I thought Charlie would be asleep and he could sneak into Bella's room. I flew out the door not even bothering to stop by Alice who looked like she had something to say. 'I'll find out later.' I thought to myself just wanting to see Bella again. As I neared the house, I heard pounding and noticed Bella's light on inside and saw two people moving around. I hid by the tree I usually climb worried something was happening up in that room, that my angel was getting hurt. Then I noticed Charlie nailing Bella's windows shut, I listened to hear what he was saying to her.

"I know you think he is good for you Bella and that you two belong together but there is no way I am letting that boy in my house. He broke you so terribly I thought I was going to lose you, especially that day by the creek. I won't let him hurt you again even if you say he isn't going to. This is only until I know that I can trust him not to try to get to you, Bella it's not that I don't trust you. Have a good night." He walked out of her room and I tried to read his thoughts to figure out what the reference was to the creek but all he was thinking about was me and how much he hated me. I could see Bella walk up to the window, her eyes all puffy from crying. I don't know what I left her to deal with but this was going to have to be resolved soon because I couldn't live without Bella for long.

I climbed up to her window and gave it a light tap, she came running over. I knew I could have opened the window no problem but I didn't want to get Bella into any trouble. She looked so sad and I longed to reach out and hold her. Damn you Charlie for making me stay away from her, this was not going to work.

"Bella I am going to come tomorrow and try to talk to Charlie, we will work this out. I love you so much and I will NOT stay away from you. Please baby don't cry anymore, it breaks my heart I can't be there to comfort you. I am going to go now but I promise I'll find a way to see you tomorrow, I love you." She put her hand up to the window and I touched it before jumping down and running back to the house.

When I got back Alice was waiting for me and I could tell she needed to talk to me bad. With nothing else to do I sat down on the porch waiting for her to tell me about the recent vision she had. "What is it Alice, I can hear you mentally freaking out. Did you see something bad? Quit blocking me; just tell me what it is so we can fix it." She sighed before launching in to explaining her vision.

"I saw you going to the house tomorrow and arguing with Charlie about how much you love Bella and trying to explain what happened. It's mostly a screaming fight and not much is accomplished, but then Bella comes downstairs with a suitcase. She says she is leaving Charlie's house and if you let her, she is going to live here. I just wanted to warn you for tomorrow so that you can think of what you are going to say to her." I looked at her dumbfounded. My shy little Bella is finally standing up to her father but I knew my answer already. Alice gasped next to me and looked at me with a strange expression on her face. I knew that she had just seen me make up my mind but I didn't care. Now all I had to do was wait for morning.

When morning came and I knew that Charlie would be around the house I headed over there to try to talk some sense into him. Little did he know that if he didn't allow me into his home that he could possibly lose his daughter. I pulled into the driveway and I saw the front curtain pull aside and a very red and angry face appear in the window. I took a deep breath and walked up the front door. Just as I was going to knock the door flew open and Charlie barreled out onto the porch, moving me back a few steps. I knew I didn't need to be afraid of him but I had to act the part of the teenage boyfriend.

"Charlie I need to talk to you about this situation. I was just wondering if you could hear me out on why I left and broke Bella's heart. Please understand that I never had any intention of doing so but circumstances required me to leave. I know I hurt her beyond forgiveness but if Bella is willing to forgive me can't you honor her choice?" I was trying to stay civil instead of just barging in and refusing to leave. I heard Bella come down the stairs asking her father who it was and when she saw me ran to the door. Charlie stopped her with his arm.

"Bella go back inside I do not want you out here when he's here. As for you," he turned to me with such rage in his eyes I felt a slight shiver run down my spine regardless, "I never want to see you set foot on this street again. This is your last warning boy, I have no problem with your family although they did leave as well but I never want to see you again. Bella doesn't need someone in her life to mess her up again and you are definitely not good enough for my daughter. I know she thinks you are but I know what's best for her. Now I expect you out of this yard in 10 seconds or else I'm arresting you for trespassing." Charlie was quite angry throughout this whole speech and didn't hear the clunking of the suitcase down the stairs until he quieted down. He turned around and saw Bella with her suitcase and got even madder.

"And just where do you think you're going young lady?" "I'm leaving dad, you won't honor my decisions to know what's good for me so I am moving out for a while until you cool down. I just wish you could give Edward a chance to redeem himself but it seems like you're going to be stubborn. This isn't permanent but I need you to understand that if I have forgiven Edward you can too. What he did was terrible, yes I will admit that, but you won't even let him explain himself. If he will let me I am going to go to live with him for a while because I love him dad and no matter how bad he hurt me in the past I can forgive him."

Charlie was irate and I thought for a minute he was going to have a heart attack but I could see him calming himself down. His thoughts were crazy, all over the place; trying to find a way to blame me for this. He thought I had brainwashed Bella somehow into forgiving me and was trying to figure out how to prove it. Finally he spoke and I could tell Bella was afraid but he wasn't letting her out the door yet. "Bella you are not leaving this house with him. If you leave then you are not coming back. I will not have you dating this boy and I don't know how he got you to forgive him but believe me you will regret this. I am your father and you will get back inside the house."

"No dad not this time. Those last two months were terrible but believe me you haven't seen anything yet if you try to keep us apart. Please just think about this, I left Mr. And Mrs. Cullen's number on the fridge feel free to call and we can talk this out. You just need to calm down before we talk again. I love you daddy and I'll see you soon." With that she walked to my car, threw her suitcase in the backseat and got in the passenger door. I got into the driver's seat and began to pull out. As we backed out of the driveway Charlie yelled out, "Don't ever come back here you hear me young lady, this is the final straw I'm calling your mother and you're going to Florida." Before we were even down the road Bella broke into sobs and I pulled over and wrapped my arms around her. "Shh baby it'll be ok he'll come around. You know he's just angry right now, don't worry this will all work out. I love you and will always be here for you. We'll work this out." We drove in silence back to my house, just the sound of Bella's sobs breaking through it every now and then.


	6. AN:hang in there

OK I just wanted to say that I'm sorry if this is going slow but please just stick with me because I have a good story plot in my head I just have to get there. I promise these next few chapters will pick up, I am writing any chance I get in between work. I work outside for 8 hours doing landscaping so I have plenty of time to form plots in my head. I hope you guys like this so far and please review and let me know what I can change. Thanks and please please please just don't give up on me yet if this story isn't that great. I am trying really hard to get it moving haha. Enjoy!


	7. Drowning

**Bella's POV**

I was crying so hard when we left the house; after what my father said to me I could hardly breathe. I didn't understand how he couldn't see that Edward and I were meant for each other. I know he had left but I forgave him, why couldn't my father? As we were driving down the road to Edward's house I couldn't help but cry for the scar on me and my father's relationship. Even if we moved past this and he allowed Edward back into his house, this would always hang over us. I just hoped that he would come around soon because as much as I wanted to live with Edward I missed my father already. Sensing my distress, Edward grabbed my hand and brushed a light kiss across it. I smiled at him and knew in my heart that no matter what happened as long as we were together I would make it through.

"Bella, I know this is hard right now but I promise whatever you need to do I will support you. If you need to go back home and I'm not allowed there I will find another way to see you. I will not hold it against you if you want to patch things up with your father, I completely understand. But believe me it won't be easy for me if that's the path you have to choose but I will respect it regardless. I am so excited to have you at my house though and I know Alice is going to be ecstatic. With two weeks left in Christmas break I know she will be able to find many malls for you two to explore." He chuckled at this from the look on my face, complete horror. I had forgotten about Alice but shopping aside I was excited to be living with her as well. I guess I could endure a few shopping trips as long as it wasn't everyday. I groaned when I thought of having to go back to school but with Edward by my side I knew it would be fine. I couldn't imagine what peoples' reactions were going to be with him back and us together again but I didn't care.

We pulled into his yard and the family was already outside waiting for us. From the look on Carlisle's face, Charlie had already called the house and more than likely threatened the family. I instantly felt terrible for putting them in this situation but just as soon as I felt the regret it was gone with an overwhelming sense of calm I could only guess came from Jasper. We stepped out of the car and I was wrapped up in one of Alice's hugs again. When I pulled out of her arms I turned to Carlisle and Esme to express my regret in coming to live here without considering their wishes. "Carlisle, Esme I just wanted to say how sorry I am that-"Esme interrupted me with her hand, "Bella I know where you are going with this already and I am going to stop you right there. We are happy to have you here and we will try our best to fix this." All I could do was nod in thanks; I was so overcome with gratitude.

Edward and I walked up to his room to get me settled in. He cleared some space in his closet but since I hadn't brought much I knew this was a reason to go shopping with Alice. I turned around to see a queen size four-poster canopy bed with topaz and midnight blue sheets. It was amazing and I found myself being tackled onto it before I could even ask where it came from. As if reading my mind Edward answered my bewildered face, "Alice. She saw you were coming and knew that you wouldn't want to sleep on my couch every night." I smiled and thought that I would have to thank Alice later; this family really didn't spare any expense. Edward and I lay there for a while just enjoying each other's company before my stomach growled. I groaned and before I knew it I was sitting at the table in the kitchen with a stack of pancakes sitting in front of me.

"I hope you don't mind pancakes for supper dear, I didn't get a chance to grocery shop. We barely had time to get the bed in here before you two pulled in. If you want I can make you something else," Esme said wanting to please me. "These are perfect Esme, thank you so much. I can cook for myself though if you ever don't feel like cooking." "Oh nonsense Bella, what else would I be doing? I have plenty of time to cook for you, I miss it truthfully." With that I dug into the pancakes and after I was done Edward had me in my arms again running out the door. He slung me onto my back and in the matter of no time we were lying in the meadow. I loved having him around sometimes, it cut traveling time down dramatically.

"I missed this place. I tried to come here once after you guys left but I got lost in the woods. I couldn't find it without you which I think is good because it wouldn't have been the same if you weren't here with me." I snuggled into his arms and I could feel him studying me. I knew he had something to ask me but I didn't want to push him.

"Bella, something in Charlie's thoughts has been bothering me. I don't want to spoil the mood but I really need to ask you something." I knew right away what he was asking me about but I didn't think I could tell him. He had made me promise to stay out of danger, what would he think of me if he knew what I almost did? "What did you hear? What was Charlie thinking about?" I tried to disguise the trembling fear in my voice but he caught on right away.

"You know what I'm talking about already; I can hear it in your voice and read it on your face. What happened at the creek?" "Edward, I……I can't tell you. You will be angry with me and I don't want to lose you." "Bella please, I promise I won't be mad, just tell me what happened. I have to know what I put you through before I can fully forgive myself. I just want to know what you endured those two months. I promise whatever you tell me can't and won't upset me because it was because of me that you did whatever you did. Please baby just tell me." I could feel him breaking down my will power with his dazzling eyes. I didn't want to give in to him but I was too weak. I felt myself pouring out the story before I even knew what happened.

"It was a few days after you had left; I could hardly make it through an hour without crying. Charlie tried to send me home to Florida but I stayed here because what if you had come back and couldn't find me? I knew he knew that's why I stayed and it bothered him but I wasn't leaving. I still had hoped that you were coming back; I lost that hope about halfway through the second month. So after days of crying I decided that I would go to your house and see if you left any clues to where you went. I figured you went to Alaska but I couldn't be sure and if I was going to come looking for you I had to be sure. So I drove to your house after school one day, barely finding the driveway.

"It took me about an hour to pull up the driveway, I had to keep stopping because the hole in my chest was blinding me," with the words 'hole in my chest' Edward tensed. "Figurative Hole Edward, not real. Anyway I finally made it up to your house and did I pay for that, the pain was surreal. I stumbled up to the door, hardly able to see through all the tears. Finally I made it into the house and collapsed on the floor in the foyer from the smell. You were everywhere, I hadn't smelled you in days, it was like alcohol to an addict, and I could instantly breathe again. I crawled to the staircase and drug myself up there. Finally I made it to your room and I knew that this would make or break me, entering your room again. I pulled myself up with the door handle, took a deep breath, and opened the door." I could feel Edward's arms tightening around me, sensing the pain I was in not just that day but reliving telling this story.

"When that door opened and I stepped in your room my chest tore open so far I could no longer breathe. I fell to the floor and cried so hard I thought I was going to tear my throat from the screaming. It was terrible, not just the tears but the chest splitting shrieks of pain. I ran from your room, fell down the stairs and rolled to a stop by the door. I lurched outside and across your lawn to the creek. The amount of pain I was in, I thought it would have been better if you had just killed me." With that sentence Edward growled low in his chest and when I looked at him there was such misery in his eyes I regretted ever agreeing to tell this story. I leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips to try to relieve some of the regret but he looked just as pained when I pulled away. "Continue," was all he said before closing his eyes to hide the pain.

"When I saw the creek I thought about how easy it would be, to just end my life, since it had already ended when you left. Nothing but you leaving entered my head, not Charlie or Renee or anyone. I couldn't think of anything but not wanting to survive if you weren't with me. So I jumped in and let myself sink. It was terrible I know and completely selfish but just being in your house and knowing I wasn't enough to keep you here, I couldn't take it anymore. I was crying as I sunk fighting my body's reactions to resurface. My vision began to swim with dots and I almost swam back up but I just thought of you gone and me alone and that kept me on the bottom. I must have eventually blacked out because the next thing I knew I was coughing up water with Jake looming over me and my father frantically was calling an ambulance.

"Jake had been driving to my house when he saw me pull down the path and had gone to find my father, not knowing you lived down here. He didn't know where I was going and decided that getting Charlie would be a better bet. They made it just in time; Jake said he had to do CPR for over 15 minutes before I came too. They called an ambulance and took me the hospital but I was released right away; Charlie said I had fallen in, not wanting to have me put on suicide watch. He figured that would make it so much worse. Charlie was so irate after the whole ordeal, not at me but at you. He swore if he ever saw you again he would kill you for me trying to kill myself. He didn't know what you had done to me before you left but was not going to let you mess me up again.

"After that incident I decided that I needed to live for Charlie but I think he saw through my act. I was the perfect daughter; I came home from school, cooked supper, did my homework and then went to bed. After I would fall asleep I kept having nightmares and Charlie had to wake me up many times from me screaming so loud but he never knew what I was dreaming about. I never told him it was you leaving me time and time again yet now I always fell in the creek but you wouldn't save me. I felt like I was drowning everyday of those two months but knew I had to stay alive for Charlie. My heart was gone, just a gaping hole in it's' place that would tear open at the very mention of anything related to you. So that is what he was thinking about when he thought about the creek."

We sat in silence the rest of the day and when we headed back to his house, Edward quietly swung me on my back and set me down quickly when we got back to the house. He barely touched me the rest of the night and said that he was going to sleep downstairs that night. My heart began to break again and I could feel the hole threatening to tear but I convinced myself that he just needed time.

**Edward POV**

It was glorious to have Bella with me at home, I loved that she was going to be around all the time although I wished that Charlie would at least talk to her. I know she is happy to be here but I also know she misses him. I tried to keep her mind off things by taking her to the meadow and knew that I had to ask her about the creek thing or I would go insane from the thought of it. I was hoping it wasn't about what I thought it was but I didn't know and it was driving me crazy. After Bella had some supper, I threw her on my back and ran to the meadow. We lay in the setting sun for a while, letting Bella drink in my skin. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and decided to ask her.

""Bella, something in Charlie's thoughts has been bothering me. I don't want to spoil the mood but I really need to ask you something." I could tell right away Bella knew what he I was asking and that she didn't want to tell me. I just hoped that she hadn't done anything stupid because of me leaving. "What did you hear? What was Charlie thinking about?" she asked me. I could read all over her face that she knew and I dazzled her into telling me. It might have been the fairest way but I don't think Bella would have told me otherwise.

As she started her story I felt my breath stick in my throat with what she was telling me. I knew that I had left her broken but I hadn't known it was this bad. I listened very carefully and tried not to react but as the story went on I could tell my worst fear was going to be confirmed, Bella had tried to kill herself. How she had hoped I would come back and refused to go to Florida, I didn't know how much more of this I could take and it was just the beginning. When she said she had a hole in her chest I couldn't help but tense at the words. I knew deep down that she didn't mean it in reality but it was still a terrible thought. She reassured me it was a figurative hole and then continued on with her story. She had made it all the way to my home and up to my room; I tightened my arms around her when she talked of her struggle of going into my room. I knew that if she had ever left me I would not be strong enough to go even a block within her house. My Bella had made it to my room and I tried to give her my strength to finish the story.

I could feel her pain and even more when she talked about lying on my floor crying. I can't believe that I left her in that state and I would hate myself for it until the end of time. What I did was inexcusable and here was my baby still wanting to be with me after all I put her through, I really wasn't worth it. And then she muttered the very words I had never wanted her to hear, that it would have been better to kill her than leave her. I growled not at her but at myself and my stupid decisions and couldn't even move with the amount of anguish and guilt coursing through my veins. Bella kissed me but I knew I didn't deserve it so I didn't let it wash away any of the guilt.

She continued on with her story, bringing her to the bank of the creek, and then her jumping in. My head was swimming, wondering why Alice had never seen this. Bella's decision might have been too quick for her to see but I still wondered if she did see it and just never told me, I would defiantly have to find out. Bella told of how she didn't even have anything to bring her back to the surface; that nothing in her life mattered more than me leaving. I couldn't believe I almost was the cause of my beautiful angel leaving this world and knew in my heart that I didn't deserve Bella at all, not now or before. She finished her story telling that that little Indian boy saved her life, giving her CPR. I thought of his lips touching hers and that pulled me from depression to anger. No one but I should be kissing those lips but I immediately remembered what I had put her through and realized even I shouldn't be kissing her lips. She finished her story and I could see she was worried because I had not said anything at all. As hard as I tried I couldn't reassure her it would be ok now because how did I deserve to be with her now that I knew I had almost been the reason she was dead?

I picked her up and took her back to the house, leaving her to sleep her first night in our new bed alone. I couldn't even be around her or touch her at the thought of what I did to her. I could see the panic rising in her eyes and realized I had to sort this out before I hurt her again. After hearing her fall asleep, I walked out of the house not knowing what I was going to do but knowing that I had to find redemption for the pain I put my angel through before I could be in her life.


	8. Writer's block

I am so sorry I haven't updated in forever. I have been having a crazy life these past few weeks between overtime at work and visiting friends I haven't seen in forever I have been really busy. On top of that I'm having insane writer's block. I know where I want to go with this story but can't figure out how to get there. I think I might end this one and just start the story line I want with a different story. I'm not sure but I promise by the end of this weekend I will have a few more chapters up if not the end. Please hang in there and I'm sorry again for having this be the only update at this point.


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